I have my own sexual trauma to work through before helping my kids, who can I talk to?
Sex therapists specialize in working with people to heal from sexual trauma. I can personally recommend a handful of sex therapists in the state of Washington (they must be practicing in your own state). Suppose you are outside of Washington and looking for a therapist in your area. In that case, you can do a search for sex therapists at AASECT.org (American Association for Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) or PsychologyToday.com. Be wary of anyone who claims to be a sex therapist who is not certified by AASECT.
My recommendations for Washington residents:
Meagan Narvaez, licensed sex therapist in 2 states, Pennsylvania (License #PC012989) and Washington (License #LH60860215) at passionlabpgh.com
Need to talk to someone right away? Contact the counselors at RAINN.org (the nation’s largest anti-sexual violence organization) for immediate assistance, legal aid, additional resources, and more!
Can I see a breakdown of what is age-appropriate for talking about adult media with my kids?
To be frank, there isn’t a breakdown of this anywhere. You can find great resources on age-appropriate sex education, but porn literacy is still relatively new. As a sex educator with extensive knowledge of child sexual development and the “standard” for age-appropriate sexuality education, I have come up with my breakdown of this (which is subject to change - based on YOUR feedback). You know your child best, and now you know what your children have access to. Conversations about porn literacy need to happen at various stages in your child’s development. Here is what I believe is the most appropriate for their age based on research about children accessing pornography.
Ages 5-11:
***Please check back for more age-appropriate breakdown information. We are adding them weekly.
If you want more in-depth breakdowns of age-appropriate sex education (which is missing the porn literacy element), Advocates of Youth has recommendations for each stage of development.
You mentioned websites for continued education for children. What are a few that you recommend?
Planned Parenthood has an entire video library breaking down topics for teenagers. Unfortunately, they took down their one on Porn Literacy (I think they may be adding to it) but they do have a great one for Teens about how to talk to their parents/trusted adults about sex.
AMAZE - Fantastic for both kids and parents. A website filled to the brim with videos that explain a myriad of sex education topics.
QUEER KID STUFF - If your child has confided in you that they exploring their sexuality or gender identity, or they want to be an excellent ally - this is a great resource for both parents and children.
First Conversation on Internet Safety - This book by Dr. Jillian Roberts uses real-world examples of internet safety in a digestible children’s book.
Want even more resources? SIECUS ( Sex ed for social change) has a WHOLE list of continued Sex ed for parents and children.
Where are those resources to learn more about Enthusiastic Consent?
If you have a child ages 8-12 years old, I also have a fun, virtual, comprehensive class all about enthusiastic consent that parents are encouraged to listen in on too. Register Here.
Below are a few videos that I highly recommend for explaining/understanding enthusiastic consent.
Recommended Videos
F.R.I.E.S (Freely Given, Reversible, Informed, Enthusiastic, Specific) This is a great one for preteens/teens to better understand the nuances of consent.
As Simple as Tea (*Note: It is worth noting that this video is problematic if you don’t consider that it focuses solely on victims of sexual assault and not perpetrators. It is not as nuanced as it needs to be but it’s still good for little kids with added context).
*cough cough* Can you point me in the direction of some examples ethical porn sites for adults that you mentioned in class?
There’s a ton of them now but here are a few to get you started. The key is that they are committed to representing real pleasure, diversity, and fair pay for everyone involved. You can find ethical porn in print, audio and, video. Here are few you can peek at, just off the top…
https://www.bellesa.co/ - Very female-identifying sexuality focused
https://spit.exposed/ - Dedicated to intersectional feminist pornography
https://makelovenotporn.tv/ - Surprisingly, this is not anti-porn. This particular adult sexual media is focused on sex with those who aren’t performers but rather, everyday people who consider themselves exhibitionists to some extent. It’s silly, fun, real, and a great way to bring the focus back on every body and not just media “ideal” bodies.
https://www.dipseastories.com/ - Ethical audio pornography for those who are stimulated by audio more than images
https://xoafterglow.com/ - Ethical porn, pleasure exercises, expert advice, and empowerment tools for adults
Do you have any recommendations for bringing up the topic of pornography with my children?
You know your child best. Reflect on tough conversations that have gone well with them in the past and what worked for you.
Here are a few tips:
Start with asking them what they already know about the topic. It helps people, especially young people, feel respected when you don’t assume that they don’t know anything. Open-ended questions also allow them to share more. Give them space and time to reflect on what they already know and answer you.
Reassure them that it’s ok and normal to want to explore their sexuality and pornography. Let them know that if they’ve already looked into pornography that they aren’t in trouble and that you want them to be informed for their safety.
There are endless opportunities to use media to broach the topic of pornography, consent, and more with your child. Sometimes an “organic” subject change is less awkward than a random sit-down conversation about pornography. If your child is timid or you feel like it would be unnatural for you to bring up pornography randomly, you can wait until a good moment or fabricate an excuse to bring it up. For example, let’s say you and your child are watching the movie Love Actually, and your teen catches the scene where the two porn stars are working together. You could pause the film and discuss how what they are doing is a job and use the example of them having casual conversations while consensually working together.
Ask questions that encourage critical thinking. So many topics around sexuality and adult sexual media require critical reflection on the part of the child. Think of scenarios or questions that you can ask them to help keep the conversations going and shine a light on nuances around each topic.
Any advice or resources to read for leaving personal judgment or bias out of the conversation?
I like to ask parents if it would feel right to them to have their parents interested in controlling their sexual preferences and interests.
Modeled behavior is important when it comes to these conversations and by maintaining a neutral reaction to other people’s preferences you can help children learn to reserve their own judgments and free them up to explore their sexuality as adults without shame.
If you’re struggling with this, that is normal.
Talking to a sex therapist about these judgments can help you get to the root of your concerns.
You can use videos or other resources that you can watch together with your child to help keep a neutral tone about topics that are particularly difficult for you to approach without judgment.
You can bring in a 3rd party. Think about another family member/friend/expert that your child feels comfortable with if they are able to talk about these topics with less judgment. The more comfortable someone is, the easier it is for them to absorb information.